A massive thank you to all the people who have started to follow my blog, especially those who are going to show me how I can make thousands of dollars by publishing my blog. I am so full of excitement at the thought of quitting my day job and spending half the year on a sunny beach in Thailand while ordering my next private Lear Jet.
My thanks also to all those who have sent me emails this past year……..
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about cockroach eggs in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave them to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programme….
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split £7 million
with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I can no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer go to shopping arcades because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seats to cause me instant death when it
bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can’t even pick up the £5.00 I found
dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.