Scouse Joke du Jour

For a bit of context, here’s the Urban Dictionary definition of a Scouse/Scouser.  I’ve no idea what your local equivalent of a Scouser would be.  (Feel free to enlighten me.)

Over the years the British have had various targets of jokes:

  • The Irish
  • Essex girls
  • Scousers

To give a bit of context, here are some typical Scouser jokes, often told by Scousers themselves.

What do you call a scouser in a suit?   The accused.

What should you do if you see a scouse jogging?  Trip him up and give the lady’s purse back to her.

How do you make a scouser run faster?  Stick a video player under his arm

Q.What’s the difference between Batman and a Scouser?  Batman can go anywhere without Robin.

Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?  Because if it walked it would be mugged.

What do you call a Scouser in a bungalow?  A burglar.

So…  Fast-forward to the weekend just gone.  I see this article in an online newspaper.

The headline that came straight to my mind was:

Disgusting creature found in Liverpool flat.  Rat phones council to complain.


Have a ratty day, won’t you!

Sunray Down

Sunray is down.  Sunray passed away died one week ago.  Sunray is was my Dad.

How do I feel about his passing away death?

  • 80% relieved
  • 10% “It hasn’t really sunk in yet”
  • 10%… well, I’m not sure

Thankfully when death came, it came quickly.  Heart attack on the way back from the shops.  I had feared bluebottles at the window, police having to smash down his front door and find his lifeless body on the sofa.  I am grateful that when the end came, it came relatively swiftly.

For the last three to four years Sunray had not been enjoying life.

  • Riddled with arthritis
  • Out of control diabetes
  • Personality disorder
  • Depression
  • A sad, lonely, unwashed, embittered old man, his only company – a bottle of whisky and twenty Benson & Hedges cigarettes
  • Estranged from almost all his family
  • At best, tolerated by the rest of his family

A very pitiable end of life.

Will I go to his funeral?  No.  Will there even be a funeral service?  No.  Sunray had fallen out with his family so badly over the years, that nobody was prepared to organise or pay for his funeral.  Maybe his ex-Squadron Sergeant-Major from Army days would have come.  But nobody else.

Despite his faults I did love and care for him.   Agape love.  My last contact with him had been a phone call four days before his death, a very jovial call.  Was he on the way up?

I will visit his grave later in the year, say a prayer over his grave.  That is more meaningful to me and to him than a Theaterstück of a funeral service, where kind words and cliches are said to an almost empty room.  I’m not bothered about seeing his body one last time.  I am more concerned about his soul.

Heavenly Father, I beg You, have mercy on Dad’s soul.  Amen.

Have a merciful day, won’t you!

Share the Knowledge

I’ve lately been trying to eat more healthily of late.  Here’s a few reasons why I have radically cut down on cola…

(I personally find it much more cost-effective than Mr Muscle when it come to unblocking drains.)

1. Remove grease stains from clothing and fabric (I had to start there)
2. Remove rust; methods include using fabric dipped in Coke, a sponge or even aluminum foil.
3. Remove blood stains from clothing and fabric.
4. Make gooey Coke funnel cakes .
5. Clean oil stains from a garage floor; let the stain soak, hose off.
6. Loosen a rusty bolt; pour on some Coke and wait for the magic to happen.
7. Kill slugs and snails; a small bowl of Coke will attract them, the acid will kill them.
8. Help a lawn become lush and green (see my lawn tonic article here )
9. Prevent an asthma attack! Apparently, the caffeine in two 12oz cans can prevent the onset of an attack.
10. Defrost a frozen windshield. Apply liberally and wait (I’ll see if this works in winter)
11. Clean burnt pans; let the pan soak in the Coke, then rinse.
12. Descale a kettle using the same method in 11.
13. Neutralize a jellyfish sting.
14. Clean car battery terminals by pouring a small amount of Coke over each one.
15. Cure nausea; let a can of Coke go flat then take a teaspoon of Coke every hour.
16. Also, flat coke can help relieve an upset stomach (aka “the runs”)
17. Make a Mentos & Coke exploding fountain. This one takes a 2-liter bottle of Coke.

18. Get rid of hiccups; gargle with a big mouthful of ice-cold Coke.
19. Shake up a can and pour it over your windshield to remove bugs and other crud.
20. Use the method in 19 for your car bumpers, too.
21. Clean your engine; Coke distributors have been using this technique for decades.
22. Relieve congestion; boil and a can of Coke and drink while hot to clear you up.
23. Make a sweet BBQ sauce. Mix a can of Coke with ketchup and brush over ribs or chicken.
24. Baste a ham roast with Coke as it cooks. The sugars will caramelize; the ham will be moist.
25. Add a can of coke to your pot roast to tenderize it and add extra flavor. (Thanks Linsey).
26. Make pretty pennies; soaking old pennies in Coke will remove the tarnish.
27. Make your hair curly; pour flat Coke onto long hair, leave for a few minutes then rinse.
28. Age documents and photos; for that antique look, apply Coke, pat with paper, leave to dry.
29. Clean tile grout; pour onto kitchen floor, leave for a few minutes, wipe up.
30. Mix a can of Coke with a packet of Italian seasoning; cook a tough steak in it.
31. Make better compost; Coke increases the acidity, adds sugars and feeds microorganisms.
32. Dissolve a tooth in it; Use a sealed container, this takes ages. Why would you want to though, unless you’re Hannibal Lecter?
33. Remove gum from hair; dip into a small bowl of Coke, leave a few minutes. Gum will wipe off.
34. Get silky skin; mix a spoonful of Coke with regular lotion and apply liberally.
35. Make low-fat brownies .
36. Pour a little in a cup and set it out an hour before a picnic, away from your site; it will attract wasps and bees so they’re not bugging you and your grub.
37. Remove stains from vitreous china. More info on vitreous materials here .
38. Got a dirty pool? Add two 2-liter bottles of Coke to clear up the water (it acts as rust remover).
39. Add Coke to your laundry to remove bad smells, especially fish.
40. Remove (or fade) dye from hair by pouring diet Coke over it.
41. Mop a floor with Coke to make it sticky. It’s a movie industry trick to stop actors slipping.
42. Remove marker stains from carpet. Apply Coke, scrub, then clean with soapy water.
43. Clean a toilet; pour around bowl, leave for a while, flush clean.
44. Apply to skin for a deep tan (although this seems like a recipe for skin cancer to me).
45. Supposedly, drinking an 8oz can of Coke every day can prevent kidney stones.
46. Add it to a Sloppy Joe mix
47. Perk up your Azaleas or Gardenias.
48. Coke and aluminum foil will bring Chrome to a high shine.
49. Strip paint off metal furniture; soak a towel in Coke, sit it on the surface for days. Make sure you keep adding Coke to keep the towel wet. (Seems like a hassle, I’d rather buy paint stripper.)
50. Add it to vodka, rum or bourbon.
51. Drink it straight from the can, if you can (too sweet for me).

Have multi-purpose day, won’t you!

Sunray Heading Downhill

Sunray.  His children used to call him “Dad.”  His daughter nowadays calls him “the sperm-donor.”  He’s been a  “problem child” all his married life and in the years thereafter.  Serial borrower.  Serial non-payer-back.  Heavy drinker.  Alcoholic.  Serial nuisance caller, trawling his address book for people to phone up to fifteen times a day.  Serial texter.  “U R ME PAL”; “CUM N SEE ME”; “GET ME A BTL OF ROSE PLS”.

I used to write to him every week or two, either a proper type-written letter or a postcard to boost his morale.  I used to phone him once a month.  Has he ever written back?  Once this year.  He now has a professional caseworker from the Royal British Legion, the Armed Forces charity.  Her summary to me?  “Yes, he’s a very difficult case.”

So, what’s the future.?  It’s not bright.  It’s not orange.  When someone is that deep in the rut of late-stage alcoholism combined with borderline personality disorder or sociopathy, there’s little you can do.

  • Poor physical health
    • Diabetes
    • Obesity
    • Osteoarthritis of both knees
  • Estranged from most of his family
  • No real, flesh-and blood, friends in his locality
  • The kind of personality that means people give you a “wide berth” (his favourite expression)
  • Poor hygiene
  • Etc etc

Does he actually want to live any more?  What are the reasons to live any more?  To even get out of bed?  Would death be a relief for him?

Choose the action, choose the consequences.

Have a consequential day, won’t you!

‘King hell…

So, Burger King. Despite being a foodie, I generally don’t bother with fast food joints. For some reason, I popped into a branch of Burger King one Sunday afternoon in Essen, Germany. (Ah, the irony of wanting to grab some food in a town called Essen.)  Those of you who do not speak German will not get the pun.

Note the month.


It is now November.

On entering the restaurant in question, I noticed that the female member of staff at the counter had huge hair, going right down to her trouser belt. IMHO – not hygienic. There was also a hair on the counter. No, it was not mine. This one on the counter was long and black. I am a natural redhead, with a standard short back’n’sides haircut.

I decided to go elsewhere for a burger and coffee. As this is a health and hygiene matter, I decide to let Burger King customer service know they have a problem in their branch restaurant. Reference xxxxxx duly logged.

“You’ll hear from us within 14 days,” they assured me. “Our staff should have hair covered or tied together, of course.”

Over a month later, nothing back from the branch. Another chaser call to BK customer service. Turns out my Gesprächspartner is also a pad’s brat like me. We end up having a pleasant chat about Hanover and various garrison towns. He assures me he will escalate, and I will hear from the branch restaurant within a week.

Another month came to pass. Another phone call to my fellow pad’s brat.

In the meantime, I had been to the same restaurant in September. Still the same hair hygiene problem. Recidivist offenders. This second offence was reported to my friend at customer service.

Early October (finally) a reply from the restaurant. What sweeties!

  • They thanked me for my email.  (How nice!)
  • Customer satisfaction is important to them.
  • Hygiene too.
  • They have briefed their staff again about standards required.  (Wonderful to hear.)

Next visit was at the start of October.  Male employees only – all wearing baseball caps.

Fast forward to first Sunday in November.

Go back in time.  Two female employees, one at the counter, one in the food preparation area.  Long, voluminous hair, right down to the trouser belt in both cases.

This time, email to the environmental health people at the council, to the restaurant and also to BK customer service and my fellow pads brat.

This morning, another chase call to my buddy, who assures me, yes, heads should be covered and/or hair tied back.  He assures me he will escalate again to area manager and higher.

This afternoon, a somewhat quicker reply than the last time.  This time, a rather curt reply from the CEO of BK Germany.  I am honoured.  He’s a Dr ….  Not a medical doctor, but a lawyer.  I understand that every German lawyer is a Dr Schmidt, etc.  He tells me that head covering is not necessary, and that the environmental health people (who came to visit the branch because of my complaint to them) say so, too.  Fortunately he says they will still welcome me as a guest.  How cute!

Another call to my pads brat friend.  Wir verstehen uns so gut, dass wir uns duzen!  Herrlich!

Our man assures me once again that HQ rules on hygiene state hair should be tied together.  “You don’t want a hair in your burger, after all?”  Hey, you’re dead right there, Kumpel.  Very perceptive.

Yet more keyboard-bashing from Disgusted of Tonbridge Wells Düsseldorf.  First, reply to Dr Burger King, the CEO, quoting federal Government directions on food hygiene, bcc’ing BK customer service, FAO: my fellow pads brat.  Then a mail to forward Dr BK’s reply onto the environmental health office at the local council, ask them to confirm or deny Dr BK’s assertion.  Schatz is a Dr med.  She thinks uncovered heads in a kitchen is disgusting and unhygienic.  Who should I believe on hygiene matters?  A medical doctor, or Dr BK?  You decide.

Watch this space for instalment 976 in this sorry saga.  Hair we go again…

Have a hygienic day, won’t you!