One, two, twee, four…


  1. excessively or affectedly quaint, pretty, or sentimental.

No, it’s not a typo.  It’s rant time.

The answerphone.  When it first came out in, I guess, the early eighties, till generally being replaced by voicemail towards the turn of the millennium, the device was a big novelty for some people.

Generally I could tolerate the Elvis “Please leave a message, thank your vair muuuuuuuuuch, ah-ha” comedy messages.  However my pet hate, where I would never leave a message was the twee answerphone announcement (“recann” in telecoms jargon).  Let me give you an example.

Voice 1:

You have reached Camberley 01252 123456, the home of Fred Smith…

Voice 2:

Wendy Smith…

Voice 3:

…John Smith…

Voice 4:

…The one, the only, Lucy Smith…

Voice 5:

…And Mister Toby Smith…

Voice 1 again:

Otherwise known as… [cue self-congratulatory giggles]


…The notorious Smith Gang! [cue more self-congratulatory giggles]

Voice 2:

We can’t take your call a this time, because we’re either at work, playing golf, at bridge club, too lazy to come to the phone, cooking a banquet or having a siesta, so please do leave a message, and we’ll call you back…


…AS SOON AS WE POSSIBLY CAAAAAAAAAAN! [cue yet more self-congratulatory giggles]

The hours of my time I have wasted listening to such attempts at “comedy,” I dread to think.  Usually it’s to tell someone their documents have arrived, and can the call in to the office to collect and sign.

Have a twee day, won’t you!


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