I wanted to thank you for the Facebook pictures and statuses you have shared over the year.
Many thanks to all of you who share statuses about red/blue/green/pink dots on doors/fences/letter boxes, indicating vicious dog thieves are about to snatch my pet mutt for breeding/dog-fighting/medical experiments.
I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about cockroach eggs in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl called Talula van Patel who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time….but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs – or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died interstate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes or end up with 27 years of bad luck.
I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I’ll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
I can’t even pick up the £5 note I found dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don’t send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.
Schönen Tag, noch!