British Dark Humour – Compounded

So, the Brits have a reputation for a dark sense of humour.  British soldiers have a reputation for an even darker sense of humour. Jewish humour is even darker.  Two case studies follow.

1.

Victor, an ex-22-year man (he served 22 years in the British Army, reaching the heights of sergeant) learnt many trades as a soldier, including:

  • How to kill (“This is my rifle… there are many others like it, but this one is unique…”)
  • How to keep prisoners in HMP Maze and Grenztruppen der DDR awake in the wee small hours by playing AC/DC at full blast down a tannoy system or on a loudspeaker placed in the back of a Landrover
  • Gaining an HGV (Heavy Goods Vehicle) Licence (for my Teutonic friends: LKW)

A typical ex-Army job is lorry driver (or security guard or school caretaker or prison officer).  Victor left the Army to become a lorry driver.

OK, so that’s the scene set.

Imagine now, a hitch-hiker one lovely sunny day, on a motorway somewhere in England.  He’s holding a piece of cardboard with his destination written on it in black marker pen, followed by the word “PLEASE”.  Victor stops his lorry and offers our student a lift to destination.

Small talk time.

Student:

Ahhhhhhhh, isn’t the English countryside beautiful at this time of the year? 

Victor:

Isn’t it just!  Mind you, I haven’t seen the English countryside for thirteen years…

Student:

Oh really?  Have you been living abroad?

Victor:

No.  I was in prison.  I served thirteen years.  For murder.

Ten seconds of stony silence (while Victor stifles a smirk).

Victor:

Everything ok, young man?

Student swallows hard, his face as white as snow:

Er, could you let me off at the next service station, please?  I’m desperate to go to the toilet.

Victor:

Sorry, no can do, son.  I’m running late.  I can’t stop till York in another from now.

Student (now in jelly-like state):

Please, please, please, please, please, let me off at the next service station.  I’m begging you!

Victor:

No problem.  Was it something I said?

Twenty minutes later, out of the cab jumps one student, running into the nearest service station.  Victor drives off, a smirk on his face.  Both he and student have a great story to tell their mates down the pub that evening.  “You’ll never guess what…”

2. A bunch of Army recruits at Pirbright barracks.  WO2 (warrant Offcer Second Class: Spiess) W. is giving an NBC lesson to a bunch of unhappy looking recruits.  (NBC: nuclear, biological, chemical.)

WO2 W.:

OK, folks, you’re about to go into the gas chamber.  Now, in case you are feeling scared, think about me.  I’m Jewish.  Say ‘gas chamber’ to me, and I need a new pair of underpants.

Jaws drop.  Not just dark humour, but military humour combined with Jewish humour.  Very, very black humour.  Long may it exist.

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5 thoughts on “British Dark Humour – Compounded

  1. Hopefully I will never have to hitch a ride from Victor!

  2. Schwarzer britischer Humor, das macht mir Angst 🙂

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